The Contest of Epic Insanity
by Ratt9
Summary: Light wants a Light Saber...he challenges L to a who-can-stay-up-longest contest, and they're allowed to do anything to stay up! Craziness follows! Crackfic. Ended 8/07/2010. Decided to revise it a bit  4/07/2011 .
1. The Idea

This idea came to me after my younger brother wouldn't shut up about how the government or whatever made a real-life Light Saber that cost $2000 and could actually burn things and kill people or something. It was getting really annoying and then I thought _"who would even WANT to buy a Light Saber?"_ and then for some reason I started thinking about how it would make killing people in their sleep a lot easier and then I started thinking about how Light wouldn't be able to kill L because L hardly ever sleeps and then I got bored and wrote this! –takes deep breath after saying long run-on sentence- And yes, I know I should be working on my L Parody, but…I'll get around to it soon. Promise! Well anyway, enjoy!

[EDIT/REVISION: This story originally ended on 8/07/2010. However, upon reading it over again, I realized that I could add some more stuff to this, and fix a bunch of mistakes. I'm not really gonna be getting rid of anything, but I will be adding some stuff. -4/07/2011]

Light wanted the Light Saber. He wanted to have the force. Because at the moment, the force was not with him. He wasn't even really sure what the force WAS, because his genius brain was turning to blueberry oatmeal, which looked like blueberry barf.

_Puking blueberries, _he thought, _how did my mind get on to that topic? _He paused for a moment. _Oh right; Misa._

"…and YEAH!" Misa Amane shouted, as if Light had any interest in her story. "I mean, isn't it SOOO gross that there was a WORM in Misa's blueberry? ! I mean, like, Misa is _never _going blueberry picking like, ever again! Misa suggests that you don't, either, Light."

At the last moment, Light realized that Misa had stopped talking and was now waiting for him to say something.

"Oh, um, yeah. That's interesting, Misa," Light mumbled. "Well, see you later." He walked back into the Task Force HQ, leaving his girlfriend standing there outside.

He wanted to kill her. But he couldn't use a Death Note, for L was watching his every move on surveillance cameras. Light sat down at the computer next to L's and looked up the price of the Light Saber. It was still at $2,000. Light cursed. He only had $700.

That's when he got an idea.

"Ryuzaki."

L looked up from his work. "Yes, Light-kun?"

"I would like to challenge you to a stay-up contest," Light told him, despite his mind telling him that no one could stay awake longer than L could.

"A stay-up contest?" L inquired curiously.

"Uh, yeah," Light explained, "As in, who can stay awake the longest. And the prize for winning is $300. And if the other person falls asleep, $100 is added for every extra hour the remaining person stays up. And no sabotaging the other person's chances by drugging them with sleeping pills or something. Other than that, you can do anything to keep yourself awake. Everything is fair game." Light was attempting to make the contest more winnable for himself; to give him more of a chance against this sugar-crazy-insomniac detective. Not that he had much chance in the first place.

L thought about it for a moment, his finger in his mouth. "Hmmm…" he muttered, "alright, I accept the challenge. But Light-kun better be prepared to pay up."

_Thanks for the encouragement, _Light thought.

"When does this contest start?" L questioned.

"Tomorrow," Light answered.

"Alright."

Light decided he would go and prepare for the contest because he really wanted the Light Saber.

He went to the store and he purchased anything he thought might come in handy: caffeine pills, energy drinks, an air horn, a taser, a basketball, a rawhide-pig-ear-dog-treat, a stapler, a few horror movies, a laser light, a flashlight, a yoyo, a camera, pocky, a rope, rubber bands, a slingshot, and a fire extinguisher, among other things. He had gotten the money for these items by selling one of Misa's many cell phones.

This was gonna be fun.

Yeah, I know that was short. The next one will be longer! What do you think of it? Any good? Review! –Ratt Kazamata


	2. The Death of CAKE

Everyone, I'm curious. Who do you think will win this? Honestly…I already have everything planned out, but I wanna know what you guys think will happen. Vote in the poll for this on my profile! =D Please…? –puppy dog eyes- 

[EDIT/REVISION: Chapter Two is now revised –w- )

_JULY 26__TH__, 7:00 AM:_

Light walked into the room and L turned from his computer. "Good morning, Light-kun," he said, his regular façade of calm in place.

"Uh, good morning." He sat down. "So, the contest officially starts?"

"Whatever you say," L replied. _Why would Light-kun challenge me to a contest I am sure to win? Hmm…could it be an attempt to lower his Kira percentage? _L thought to himself, staring at Light with his wide eyes.

The other members of the task force began to arrive. Matsuda went up to Light and asked, "Why do you have all that random stuff in your room?"

Light didn't even want to think about why Matsuda had gone _into _his room (lol, gotta love Matsuda), but he couldn't stop the thoughts from swirling around in his head.

After Light not answering Matsuda's question for about 15 seconds, L sighed and spoke up, "Light-kun challenged me to a stay-up contest. Light-kun seems to be under the impression that he can beat me." He took another bite of cake.

Snickers filled the room. "Shut up…" Light grumbled.

"Good luck with that, Light," Matsuda said through giggles. Back when Light was still handcuffed to L, Matsuda had come in early to HQ on countless occasions to find Light passed out with his head on the desk while L sat typing away thoughtfully.

Light glared at him, but then Aizawa joined in. "Yeah Light, good luck!"

"I'm sure that Light would be able to do it if he put his mind to it," Soichiro said quietly. Everyone in the room stared at him, except L, who was focused on working on the Kira case. But no doubt he was listening with amusement.

"Okay, let's make a bet," Aizawa said to Soichiro. "I'll bet you $500 that Ryuzaki will win."

"I'll bet the same amount, too, on Ryuzaki," said Mogi.

"Hey, I want to bet in this, too!" Matsuda blurted out, also believing L would win.

"Well, I'll bet $500 that Light will win," Soichiro said, though not having much confidence in his words.

Poor Light. (Haha not really, I don't really like Light for killing L =/ ) Everyone was being so encouraging.

"I am so glad that my everyday habits are something worth betting large amounts of money on," L said sarcastically, still staring at the screen.

_JULY 27__TH__, 1:21 AM:_

L stared at the computer screen, having absolutely no problem staying up whatsoever. It wasn't even late.

Light was slightly sleepy, and he cursed himself for this. It was only 1 AM, for gods sake! He flicked himself in the face. Continuously.

After about two minutes, L looked over at him with a slightly puzzled look on his face and asked, "Are you mentally sound, Light-kun?"

Light stopped and looked up, embarrassment plastered on his face. "Oh, uh…yeah. I was just trying to…never mind."

_JULY 27__TH__, 4:46 AM:_

L once again sat at his computer, contently eating the ice cream that Watari had brought just a few moments ago. Light decided that it was time to drink an energy drink, so he went upstairs and took one off the shelf. He went back down to the main room.

Light drank the entire energy drink. "WOAH!" he shouted. He started spinning in his computer chair as fast as he could, pushing off the desk to pick up speed. He was giggling like a maniac and L just stared at him, wide-eyed.

"RYUZAKIRYUZAKIRYUZAKI RYUZAKI LOOK AT _ME_! ! ! ! !" Light shouted.

"I see you, Light-kun. You just drank a super-strength energy drink," L said.

"Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Who's gonna win NOW? !" Light screamed excitedly.

L just stared at him, unfazed. "You _do _realize that energy drinks like this make you crash afterwards, right?"

Light stopped spinning and looked at L in horror. But then, he started spinning again as he said, "then I'll just drink another one or something."

"Whatever you say, Light-kun."

_JULY 27__TH__, 9:34 AM:_

"Ugh…so…tired…" Light mumbled, the effects of the energy drink having worn off.

L smirked slightly. "I _did _warn Light-kun about the crash phase, but he ignored me."

"Shut up…"

Matsuda, Aizawa, and Mogi (Team L) were overjoyed that they would get their money so soon. Soichiro (Team Y) was still confident that his son would win. After all, his son had a plan.

…Not that he knew what said plan _was_, of course, but Soichiro knew that the genius that was Light always had a plan.

However, the police chief's son's so-thought "genius plan" did not exactly live up to its reputation of intelligence.

Light went back up into his room and took out…pepper spray. He went back downstairs.

Walking calmly over to his most-easily-picked-on coworker, Light sprayed some pepper spray in Matsuda's face. Matsuda started screaming and clawing at his eyes (Aww, poor Matsuda D: ). Light, ignoring him, sat down with a pleased smile and said, "Good, it works." No one really knew how to react to this.

L gave him an inquisitive look. "It is a bottle of pepper spray. Did Light-kun honestly expect it _not _to work?"

Light shrugged and said, "Good point. Honestly I just wanted an excuse to use it on Matsuda."

"Well, I don't suppose I can argue with that logic."

Light nodded, and then proceeded to spray himself with the pepper spray. He started screaming also. _At least, _he thought, _I'm now wide awake_.

_JULY 27__TH__, 11:59 AM:_

L was still sitting at his computer, concentrating on his work. He was eating a piece of cake.

_Oh my god, _Light realized, _is Ryuzaki capable of staying awake without sugar? _

Light smirked evilly. It was not against the rules of the contest to take away L's sugar—he wasn't directly putting him to sleep or anything. So Light retrieved a match, walked into the kitchen, and set all of L's sweets on fire.

L, having followed Light to the kitchen after observing him carrying the match, stared at the fire, horrified at what was happening. "My cakes!" he exclaimed. "Nooo!"

Watari rushed in and put out the fire, but all of the sweets were already burned up. Everyone in the investigation team stared at them in shocked silence.

L carefully turned to face Light in such a manner that made him appear to be in shock. "You are the worst form of evil, Kira-kun," he said slowly.

"I'm not Kira!" Light insisted.

"Only Kira would do something so evil."

_JULY 27__TH__, 9:27 PM:_

Light had been receiving glares from L ever since the incident with the sweets.

Unfortunately for Light, L still didn't seem affected by his lack of sugar, besides the threatening stares he was bombarding Light with.

_Maybe he really _does _have enough sugar in his body to last him a lifetime, _Light thought worriedly.

_Kira has murdered my cakes, _L thought irately, _but I'll just have Watari buy more tomorrow. I will still win this. Until then, I will simply use other methods to stay awake._

L had an idea.

He stood up. "Restroom," he explained.

"Are you sure you aren't just using that as an excuse to go off and fall asleep somewhere?" Light asked tauntingly.

"Quite." L, once he was out of sight, quickly went into Light's suite and took most of the things Light had purchased to stay awake. _Let's see how well he does without _this _stuff, _L thought deviously. Unfortunately for him, though, Light had already eaten the sweets.

_Oh well, _he thought as he took it all into his own room, _that's fine. _

_I wonder what will happen when Light-kun finds out?_

Thanks for reading! Sorry, the end was a bit rushed. Review! :D


	3. Matsuda Should Probably Retire Early

Hi! Crazy day! I really need to work on my L Parody…and I will…I will…I mean it…as soon as Sakonon ANSWERS THE PHONE and GETS BACK FROM HOCKEY. Okay lol, anyway, enjoy this. ^ ^

[EDIT/REVISION: I revised this chapter on 4-08-2011]

_JULY 28__TH__, 12:54 AM:_

_I want sweets… _L thought sadly.

_I'm tired… _Light thought sleepily. _I'd better go get something to keep me up._

Light stood and said, "I'm going to get something from my room. I'll be right back."

"Whatever you say, Light-kun." L spun once in his chair unenthusiastically.

Two minutes after Light left, he was right back down the stairs again and said, "Ryuzaki! What did you do?"

"I took some stuff out of your room," L said innocently. "Not very much unlike what you did with my sweets, minus the fire."

Light scowled at him. "Where is my stuff? ? ?" he demanded.

"I'm not going to just _tell _you," L replied.

Light snarled and went off trying to find it.

_JULY 28__TH__, 4:32 AM:_

L was tired. He needed sweets to stay up. Without them, he couldn't think properly. And he was unable to use any of Light's stuff because Light hadn't found it yet.

Light was over-thinking the whole operation. He figured that L had hid his stuff somewhere he would never think to look…so Light had yet to conduct a search in L's suite, because Light figured that L wouldn't do something so obvious.

So L couldn't do anything with his loot without drawing attention to its location, so he was stuck. His head drooped onto his lap/knees. He quickly snapped himself to attention. _I can't lose this contest, _he insisted to himself. But before long, his head was drooping again.

L had almost fallen asleep when suddenly the loud blare of an air horn startled him so badly he fell out of his chair. Light had found his stolen items.

Little did Light know that had he not done this in an attempt to stay awake, he would have won the contest. Light walked back into the main room triumphantly.

L, now fully awake, got up off the ground and said, "So, Light-kun, I see you have found everything."

"Yep."

L hid a smirk.

_JULY 28__TH__, 8:27 AM:_

All the task force members were very eager to see how the two contestants were doing. Matsuda came in the room asking, "Has anyone won yet?"

"No," L answered him.

Light yawned. He wanted to go sleep, but he wanted the Light Saber even more. He was bored, which was not a good thing. His eyelids felt heavy. _Looks like its time to take out the taser, _Light thought decisively.

Light went and retrieved said weapon. He smiled. _This is the perfect way to relieve boredom; everyone in Japan should do this at least once in their lifetime! :D_

Light turned on the taser and tased Matsuda (D: poor Matsuda ;~; but…I can't help it! D: You are so fun to pick on :D ). Matsuda fell to the floor, tased.

Light laughed as he continued to tase Matsuda. Everyone stared at him, freaked out. They didn't want Matsuda to get tased over and over by this sleep deprived boy wielding a taser, but their fear OF the sleep deprived boy wielding a taser overruled all desire to help Matsuda _from _said sleep deprived, taiser-wielding boy.

They _thought. _

All of a sudden, Chuck Norris galloped through HQ on a miniature pony. Chuck Norris took out a slingshot and hit Light with a rock. Chuck Norris disappeared.

Light blinked and stopped tasing Matsuda, who was KO'ed.

"What just…happened?" Light asked.

"I shot Light-kun using a slingshot while sliding across the room in my computer chair," L explained in his regular monotone, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"What…?" Light asked, confused. "But…what about…where did…where did Chuck Norris go?"

Everyone in the room stared at Light as if he had just gone mental. Light looked at them, his brown eyes wide. "Wait…did I just hallucinate? o-o"

Aizawa, staring at him as if he was contagious with some fatal disease, said, "Yes…I…believe so…"

"But…it was so vivid…" Light trailed off.

After a long moment of silence, L clapped once. "Alright, back to work, everyone. And Watari, get me more cake!"

_JULY 28__TH__, 3:37 PM:_

L was totally awake, now having plenty of cake. Matsuda was asleep, recovering from Light's earlier stunt. As for Light…well…

Light was amusing himself by viciously gnawing at a rawhide pig-ear dog treat (I got this idea because I chew on said dog treats all the time owo nom~).

"Um…" Soichiro began to say to his son, "perhaps you would like a different meal…?"

Light looked at his father with crazed eyes, as if the chief had just sprouted 3 eyes and suggested Light do the Macarena while doing a hand-stand on the moon. "Really? !" he exclaimed, "alright!" He ran and proceeded to drink two Venom Energy Drinks. L stared at him with wide eyes.

Light began going insane.

"AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

Light took a basketball and threw it against Mogi's head. He caught it as it bounced back. "What the—" Mogi began, rubbing his head, but Light threw the basketball at him again. This time, hard enough to knock him over. "Ow!"

"What the hell?..." L muttered. Light took matches and started setting the HQ on fire, while giggling like a madman. Aizawa started screaming like a little girl.

Light then set HIMSELF on fire.

L rushed and retrieved the fire extinguisher. He first extinguished Light, and then the building. Luckily the fire hadn't grown much. "What is Light-kun DOING? !" L shouted uncharacteristically.

"Playing with fire," the genius replied, still giggling like crazy. "What are YOU doing, Ryuzaki?"

L really wanted to bash Light over the head with the fire extinguisher, but seeing as how that would go against the rules of "not knocking out your opponent", L restrained himself.

"A shame…" L mumbled under his breath. L looked up and Light was gone.

"Everyone!" L shouted with slight urgency in his voice, "Find Light-kun!" This wouldn't be good.

Suddenly, from somewhere deep in the bowels of HQ, the team heard Matsuda scream in terror.

"It is safe to assume that Light-kun is about to do something drastic to Matsuda, and that we had better get there quickly," L said calmly. Everyone stared at each other for a moment before all running in the direction of Matsuda's screaming.

They found Light standing in front of a mortified Matsuda, holding a rope. "HELP! ! !" Matsuda cried. "HE'S TRYING TO HANG ME! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

Light laughed evilly. "Yes! That's what you get for challenging LIGHT YAGAMI, GOD OF THIS NEW WORLD! ! ! !" He tied the rope around Matsuda's neck, despite the police officer's cries that he _hadn't _challenged self-proclaimed 'Light Yagami God Of This New World'.

"90%, Light-kun…" L said absent-mindedly as he kicked Light off his feet.

Soichiro untied the noose from around Matsuda's neck. "I apologize for my son's actions," he said, as if Light had merely spoken rudely to Matsuda, as opposed to trying to have him lynched.

L magically pulled an air horn out of nowhere and set it off right next to Light's head. Light jumped and spazzed out. "Get a hold of yourself, Light-kun."

Light snapped out of whatever trance he had been in and returned to normal. "Whoa…I just almost hung Matsuda… o.o"

"Ryuzaki! You shouldn't have woken him up more!" Aizawa complained. "Now the contest will be harder for _you _to win!"

"I'd rather him not attempt to lynch people. And I doubt he will be able to last longer than me, anyway—especially in the state he's in. So there is nothing to worry about," L explained.

Light was beginning to give him a _really _big headache.

Well, hope you enjoyed that lol! Have a nice day…or evening…or…beyond! =D but only after you review! If you do not review, you will…have very bad luck for the rest of the day. –nods- someone might even get hung by Light. :D lol


	4. Patience: Or Lackthereof

[EDIT/REVISION: Revised on 4/08/2011]

_JULY 29__TH__, 12:03 AM:_

"Ryuzaki?"

L groaned. "Light-kun, would you _shut up_?" L was starting to lose his vast amount of patience.

"But why—"

"_Shut. Up. Light,_" L growled, dropping the honorifics. "You have been talking _non-stop _for the past _two hours_. I am trying to _work_."

Light whimpered. "But Ryuzaki, that horror movie _scared me! ! !_"

L's eyes narrowed. "Well, Light was the one who decided to _watch _it, wasn't he?" he nearly snarled through clenched teeth.

"Yes, but—"

"Then stop complaining!"

Soichiro, Matsuda, Mogi, and Aizawa looked up, surprised at L raising his voice. Normally, they wouldn't be in HQ this late, but seeing as how the contest seemed bound to end very soon, they all decided to stay there so that the results would be recorded accurately.

Light had idiotically watched a bunch of the scariest horror movies he could find. And now he was freaking out about them. "Hmph…" Light said, "I'm going to go do something."

He took out a camera and started taking pictures of everything. Ryuzaki, afraid that Light would take a picture of him, freaked out.

"Put that camera away!" L commanded.

"But I don't wanna…" Light argued, his mouth feeling heavy, causing him to slur his words.

"It doesn't matter if you don't want to!" He made a move to take away the camera from Light.

"NOOOOOO! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" Light shrieked at the top of his lungs. "DON'T TAKE AWAY MY CAMERA! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" He bit L's hand and didn't let go.

L shouted out a string of profanities, then, "KIRA! IM BEING BITTEN BY KIRA!"

The rest of the task force just stared in shock, making no move to help.

"Let go of me! ! ! ! Or I'll have Watari shoot Light-kun with his sniper!" L threatened. His hand throbbed.

Light mumbled something that sounded a lot like "mmm crunchy."

L continued shouting his threats. "—and then I'll kill Light-kun! I swear, I'll kill Light-kun! I'll…I'll EAT Light-kun! And then I'll arrest Light-kun's bones! And then—"

Watari, with a blank face that made it totally unobvious that he was holding back laughter, plied Light's mouth off of L with a metal object. (Lol, Watari always randomly comes out of nowhere)

L, finally freed, examined the bite marks on his hand closely. It almost looked like he was pouting. While Light was preoccupied with being angry at Watari, L stepped on his camera, squashing it. Light screamed.

_JULY 29__TH__, 4:05 AM:_

L was tired. He didn't totally want to admit it to anybody, but he was. And Light was driving him up the wall. _An attempt at beating me because he's Kira? _L thought absentmindedly.

Not to mention that every few minutes, Matsuda would come up to him and ask if he was alright, and if he wanted more coffee, and if he felt sleepy. L would respectively answer "yes, no, and no," which would cause Matsuda to apologize and giggle timidly. It was a very predictable pattern. Apparently, Matsuda _really _didn't want to lose $500.

"Ryuzaki, are you alright?" Matsuda asked for the umpteenth time. L was too tired to count every time he asked.

"Yes, I'm fine, Matsuda," L said, annoyed.

"Would you like me to get you more coffee?"

"…No thank you, Matsuda. My answer is the same as it was approximately four minutes ago. As you can see—also very much like approximately four minutes ago—my coffee cup is full."

"Do you feel sleepy?"

L's eye twitched. "As I said, I am _fine_, Matsuda. This answer _also_ hasn't changed in the four-minute time gap, and all of the other times you asked me these same questions."

"Oh, sorry," Matsuda laughed nervously, also as predicted.

L turned back to his work. Light had taken a caffeine pill and had actually almost fully regained his regular sanity. He was working, also. Though he wasn't concentrating very well.

"I feel like dying…" Light complained for the sixth time. "I'm so tired…"

"Then go crawl under a rock and _do _it…" L muttered under his breath. He had almost completely abandoned all the patience of which he once had so much.

Light heard it. "That was mean, Ryuzaki."

L rolled his eyes.

_JULY 29__TH__, 7:09 AM:_

L looked at Matsuda angrily. "Matsuda. What time does it say on my computer's clock?"

Matsuda leaned over his shoulder and said, "it says '7:06.' Why?"

L clenched his teeth purposefully. "Look at the wall clock. The one that _you _set. What time does it say?"

Matsuda looked at the clock on the wall. "It says '7:09'. What are you getting at?"

L exploded. "WHAT IM GETTING AT IS THAT YOU SET THE CLOCK THREE MINUTES OFF FROM WHAT TIME IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE! ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO FIGURE EVEN _THIS _OUT? !"

Matsuda shrank back. "Uh…sorry…?" he asked timidly.

L snarled at him and spat, "get out of here. I don't want to see your _face _until I've calmed down."

Everyone stared at L, too afraid of him at the moment to do anything about his anger management problem. Except Light.

"Uh…Ryuzaki? Don't you think you're being a _bit _too harsh on him?"

L whirled around in his chair to glare at Light. "Does Light-kun wish to argue with my reasoning?" Before Light could even open his mouth to answer, L continued to rant. "You see, Light-kun, this is a top-secret headquarters. It is being used by me, _L_, and the people working on the _Kira _case. We have millions of dollars at our disposal, and all the newest technology to make solving this case as convenient as possible. AND THE CLOCK ON THE WALL ISN'T EVEN SET AT THE RIGHT TIME? !"

"But it's only off by three min—" Light started, only to get interrupted.

"THREE MINUTES IS A LOT OF TIME! ! ! !"

Light decided that he should keep his mouth shut.

L then turned to Soichiro. "Oh, and Yagami-san…"

"Yes, L?" Soichiro asked nervously.

L held up his bitten hand. "I'm going to test your son for rabies."

_JULY 29__TH__, 2:26 PM:_

L had been mean to everyone in the task force all day. Having to deal with Light and his sleep deprivation had caused L to get tired much faster than he normally would. Had he not had to deal with Light, he would have been able to stay up for three days without blowing up at people.

Light was just thankful that he was no longer handcuffed to the man.

Watari came into the room. "Excuse me, Ryuzaki…"

"What is it?" L asked, his eyes narrowed.

"Today was the day you were scheduled to speak with the children at Wammy's…to answer questions?" Watari informed nervously.

"Fine. Hand me my laptop."

Watari did so. L switched on the "L" picture and the "L" voice modifier. He called the orphanage. On his laptop, he could see a bunch of intelligent orphans staring excitedly at the computer that displayed the letter "L."

"Hello, children," L began. "This is L. I am going to be answering any questions you might have."

One child asked, "What made you want to be a detective?"

L answered, "What kind of a question is that? I liked solving cases, duh."

Another child asked, "How do you choose which cases to take and which ones to leave to the police?"

"Well, basically, I decide which cases seem too hard for the stupid police, who always take _ages _to solve a case. I mean, seriously! And then those are the ones I take. And I leave all the simple ones to the cops, who then act as if the case is super difficult, and then go on with their lives after they decide they can't solve it and leave it unsolved," L explained, his patience still very thin. He was probably scaring these kids.

"Have you ever killed someone?" another child asked.

"Single handedly? No. Probably not. But sometimes, I really wish I would. Like, you see, there's this person I suspect right now, and I would love nothing more than to wring his neck!"

Yep, he was definitely scaring the children…

"What are you afraid of?" a girl asked.

A boy said to her, "you idiot, L isn't afraid of _anything_! You're so stupid!"

L got annoyed at the boy. "Boy," he began, "her question is fine. How do _you _know I'm not afraid of anything? You don't know me! How do you know I'm not afraid of cows, or rubber bands, or clocks? ! YOU DON'T! Not that I _am _afraid of those things, but still. So stop acting like you know me you fat idiot!"

The frightened child was silent.

"I happen to be afraid of Kira germs!" L shouted.

L started pounding on the keyboard. "I HATE KIRA!"

Watari pulled L away from the computer. The children had horror-stricken looks on their faces. Watari said into the mic, "I'm sorry. That was Matsuda, a member of the task force at the moment. His hobby is scaring orphaned children. L is currently unavailable at the moment. Perhaps we can reschedule this appointment?"

Well, what do you think? It was actually hard to make L be mean to those poor orphans D:

Lol, L finally loses his patience. I've always wondered if that could happen. ^ ^ Review! Please! –gets down on knees and begs- -gives puppy dog eyes ;~;- 

Oh yeah! Btw! Did any of you notice that Matsuda had actually set the wall clock to the correct time, and it was in fact L's computer clock that was slow? –w- Lol.


	5. Chainsaw Massacre

Thank you everyone who has reviewed this story! :D I'm forever grateful. ^ ^

[REVISE/EDIT: This chapter was revised on 4-09-2011]

_JULY 30__TH__, 1:02 AM:_

Light was all loopy.

L was all grumpy.

The Task Force was about to go out of their minds.

"Ryuzaki?" Light slurred, "don't you think that the Power Rangers should team up with the Transformers?"

"STOP BABBLING NONSENSE!" L shouted.

Light laughed sleepily. "Ryuzaki? I'm gonna _poke _you…" He giggled again. "What would you do if I poked you, Ryuzaki?"

"I'd shove my _foot _down your _throat_," L snarled.

Light laughed. "You're _funny _Ryuzaki." L grinded his teeth. Everyone in the Task Force sighed. It had been going on like this for hours.

"I have half a mind to give them both sleeping pills, just to shut them up," Matsuda grumbled.

L looked at him. "Yes Matsuda, you _do _have half a mind."

Matsuda's eye twitched.

_JULY 30__TH__, 6:36 AM:_

Light decided that it was time for another energy drink. He drank it, and went insane. He started giggling like a madman.

L groaned. "Here we go again…"

"IMA FIREN MAH LAZER! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" the prodigy shouted. "WOOOOOOHOO!"

Matsuda screamed in terror, remembering what happened LAST time. He ran. Light, seeing a moving target, ran after him.

"Definitely testing Light-kun for rabies…" L muttered under his breath.

At that moment, Misa came walking through the doors of the HQ.

"Amane, how did you get in here?" L asked her sternly. Misa looked slightly afraid of L's tone of voice.

"I-I had Wedy break me in…I just wanted to see my Light! Where is he?" Misa answered.

"Light-kun is currently preoccupied," L answered quickly.

"_What? ! _With what? ! Surely he would want to see me. :D and by the way, Ryuzaki, you look awful," Misa commented.

"Thanks…" L said sarcastically.

"Ryuzaki! We must catch my son!" Soichiro exclaimed urgently.

"Oh yes, that's right."

"What? ! What's wrong with Light? !" Misa exclaimed.

"It's nothing, Misa," L sighed. "You should leave."

"No WAY!"

Their argument was interrupted by the sound of Light shouting, "and _that's _why I'm gonna cut off _this _toe, first!" This sentence was followed by Matsuda's scream.

At that moment, Watari rushed in the room exclaiming, "Ryuzaki! All of the butcher's knives from the kitchen are missing!"

"Crap…"

"Ryuzaki, what do we do? !" Aizawa exclaimed desperately. Luckily for the team—and especially Matsuda—L was very used to thinking clearly while exhausted.

"Hmm…from the sound of it, Light-kun is attempting to cut off one of Matsuda-san's toes with one of the butcher knives he took from the kitchen. I have an idea," L vocalized thoughtfully.

"Will someone tell me what is going _on? !" _shouted Misa angrily.

"Not now, Misa," Mogi said, and then went back to ignoring her.

"Yes, Misa. Shut up!" L shouted.

"How many butcher's knives does he have?" asked someone.

"If he took all of them, he has more than six in his possession," L explained. "It would be dangerous to approach him directly." He paused. "On second thought, it would also be dangerous to leave him with Matsuda…"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Aizawa exclaimed. He growled in frustration. "Arg! He's gonna kill us! ! !"

"No, he's just going to cut off Matsuda's toes," Mogi stated.

"HOW IS _THAT _ANY BETTER? !" both Aizawa and Soichiro cried at the same time, exasperated.

"Wait…he watched a chainsaw massacre horror movie!" L blurted out suddenly.

"So?" Soichiro asked, wondering how this fact had anything to do with the current situation at hand.

"You idiot, he was afraid by it!" exclaimed L impatiently.

"I don't follow…" Aizawa said.

"Of course you don't, Aizawa…you're an idiot. I can dress up like a mad person with a chainsaw and get him to leave Matsuda alone," L explained anxiously. "Watari, get me the chainsaw!"

"Yes sir!"

(o.O What ELSE do they keep in their storage closet? I'm afraid to know…)

Watari came out with a chainsaw and handed it to L. L put on his weird mask and turned on the chainsaw. The rest of the team stared in horror, afraid that the detective might turn on them and kill them all.

L dashed down the hallway and ran in. Light had the butchers knife on Matsuda's toe, about to cut down, when Ryuzaki showed up.

_Oh my god! It can't be…it…it…it's the…it's the… _"CHAINSAW MASSACRE DUDE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !" Light shouted at the top of his lungs. He screamed like a girl and backed up into the wall. L, as the murderer, advanced on him, giving Matsuda time to escape.

But Matsuda was too traumatized to move. L growled and charged at Matsuda with the chain saw. L shouted, "IF YOU DON'T GET MOVING IM GONNA OBLITERATE YOUR LIFE! I'LL DO WORSE THAN CHOP OFF YOUR TOES! I'LL START WITH YOUR EARS, AND THEN YOUR FEET, AND THEN YOUR NOSE, AND THEN YOUR ARMS, AND I'LL RUN THE BLADE ACROSS YOUR BACK! AND THEN I WON'T KILL YOU!" Matsuda was already gone.

L turned back to face Light, only to feel a pain in his shoulder as Light's knife slid across it. Now, L was pissed.

"DID YOU JUST TRY TO STAB ME? !" L thundered.

"MURDERER!" Light exclaimed.

"THAT'S RIGHT! I AM! AND NOW, _YOU _ARE NEXT TO DIE!"

"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!"

They charged forward, ready to clash.

"Boys!" Soichiro cried. "Stop this this _instant!_"

Both men stopped going at each other with their murder weapons.

They both pointed at each other and simultaneously argued, "But he—"

"That's _enough_!" Soichiro interrupted. "I refuse to clean up the dead bodies of my son and the world's greatest detective because they _killed each other_." (Lol, nice way to put it, Soichiro)

"Fine…" they both said, giving in. They dropped the murder weapons and walked out of the room. L took off the mask.

Matsuda was probably going to need therapy by the time this contest was over.

_JULY 30__TH__, 9:00 PM:_

"So…tonight will be the fifth night of staying up?" Aizawa clarified, amazed.

"That is correct," L answered. "That's what I just said."

"Wow…who do you think will win?"

"Me," L answered. "I'm much more used to exhaustion."

"I see…I think so too."

Light was walking in place to stay up.

L sighed. He couldn't wait till this contest was over.

Well, what did you think? I couldn't think of much for this chapter…sorry! I hope the next one will be better. I'll update soon! Check out some of my other stories, if you want. ^ ^ Thanks for reading. Don't forget to review! Please…:D

Bye!

~Ratt K.


	6. Loopiness

AHHH there's school in two days! =/ This summer went by wayyyyyyy too quickly. I'm going into 10th grade, so I'm gonna be a sophomore! Woot! :D 

Anyway, here is the second to last chapter. It's been really fun! I'll probably start another story similar to this after this story is done. I hope you all will read it! :D Well, enjoy. ^ ^

[EDIT/REVISION: This chapter was edited on 4/09/2011]

_JULY 31__ST__, 3:02 AM:_

L was exhausted. He rested his head on his hand as he stared at the computer monitor, vision blurred by his eyes, which were watery from sleepiness.

Light wasn't doing much better. He was muttering stuff like "Save my dog from the chicken" and "Ryuzaki wants to eat me" and "I'm not asleep, I'm just thinking of a pattern…"

Suddenly L got an idea. "Light-kun?"

"What?" he mumbled sleepily, eyes half closed.

"Are you Kira?"

Light nodded, not even comprehending what the question was. "Mhmm…"

"CONFESSION!" L shouted at the top of his lungs, startling all the members of the task force into have mini spaz-attacks.

"What, Ryuzaki?" asked Soichiro.

"I just asked Light-kun if he was Kira, and he nodded and said 'mhm'!" L exclaimed.

"Ryuzaki…" Light's father began, "he is exhausted, much like yourself, and doesn't know what he's saying."

"So Light-kun is sleeping with his eyes open? ! That means I win!" L declared.

"I'm not _asleep_, Ryuzaki…I'm just thinking of a pattern…" Light insisted again, his eyes closed.

"Light-kun should stop saying that, as no one here knows what he means," L informed.

"You know…a _pattern_…like red, and blue, and green, and white…gumballs…" Light said the last word very slowly and drawn-out.

L, for the first time in years (perhaps his whole life, even), was also loopy. Sighing, he muttered, "I'm tired…"

"Yeah, that's pretty evident," Aizawa said, as if L was stupid.

Light stood up and punched Matsuda. L followed him and kicked Matsuda in the face.

"Why did you do that? !" Matsuda shouted, afraid the two might beat him up worse.

"I needed something to do," Light explained.

"Watari, get the cider!" L called, sitting back down in his chair.

"I already told you, Ryuzaki. There is no cider," Watari informed him for the fifth time.

"WELL GET SOME!"

"You don't even _like _cider!"

"I THINK I KNOW WHAT I LIKE AND DON'T LIKE!"

"At the moment, I think I know better than you," Watari said quietly as he walked out of the room, for fear of his boss unleashing his wrath upon him.

L sighed. "I do hope he's off to get me some cider."

_JULY 31__ST__, 6:05 AM:_

_Still, _neither of the two had fallen asleep yet.

Although the odds for winning the contest had been in favour of L for the past 4 nights, everyone in the task force agreed (except Matsuda) that it could be anyone's game at this point. Matsuda being Matsuda, he still believed Light had no chance.

Light was thinking incoherent thoughts. He just kept thinking "must kill Matsuda…he's escaped me twice…can't let it happen again…"

And so Light took the laser light and started shining it at Matsuda. "You are going to get shottttt" he said in a drawn out voice, like in one of those old cheesy ghost movies when the ghost talks.

He took out the yoyo, tied the string around his finger, and lashed out at Matsuda, hitting the red dot of light that he was shining.

"Ow!" Matsuda shouted, "why do you always pick on ME? !"

"You oppose me…" Light explained, as if it were obvious. He took out a bunch of rubber bands and started shooting them at him. Matsuda shrieked, trying to get away.

Light took out a stapler and started laughing maniacally. He kept clamping it together so it made a clamping sound. "I'm gonna staple your chicken wing! ! ! ! !" Light shouted.

Matsuda looked up, giving him a weird look. "My…chicken wing?"

Light looked confused that Matsuda didn't understand. "Yeah. Your chicken wing."

Matsuda laughed, said "you're so loopy," and left the room.

Light blinked, wondering why Matsuda wasn't afraid of him.

He shrugged and sat back down.

_JULY 31__ST__, 7:58 PM:_

Around lunchtime, Light had accidentally stapled his own finger with the stapler he had been threatening Matsuda with. And he had been screaming and waving his hand in the air and basically freaking out.

And L—not the boy's own father, mind you—was the one who had to deal with it. He had chased the wild teen down, pinned him to the floor, and yanked the staple out of his finger (all the while, Light was screaming in L's face).

L was so exhausted he could hardly move. Light was sitting there in the chair next to him, tapping his fingers against the table.

Watari still hadn't gotten him his cider.

It was annoyingly cold in the headquarters.

He felt like beating Matsuda up but was too tired to do so.

He wanted a popsicle but was afraid that if he got one, he might a.) throw it at Light's head, or b.) make him even colder.

He wanted potato chips but Light had taken a potato chip and ate it so many times that the bag was empty.

He wanted to stab Light-kun for this reason.

He wanted a calculator for reasons unknown even to him.

He wondered if Aizawa ever stored pencils in his afro.

He wanted to know if Kira liked to eat French fries.

He wanted to stop thinking.

He didn't think he could stay awake for even just a half an hour more.

L, completely tired down to the bone, passed out from exhaustion, asleep before he even closed his eyes completely.

Everyone stared at L in shock, even Soichiro.

"Did…Light just win?" asked Matsuda.

"Did…L just lose?" asked Light.

"What the…" started Aizawa.

"Heck…?" finished Mogi.

"Now I get an extra 100 bucks for every extra hour I stay up!" exclaimed Light.

"…Soichiro gets…$1500…" Matsuda cried.

"Now I just have to stay up a few more hours and I'll have enough money…" Light muttered.

Mwahahahahaha! Was anyone expecting that? Lol, according to the poll, 5 people thought L would win, 4 people thought it would be a tie, and 1 person (me) thought Light would win. =D But wait, it's not over yet! For people who hate the results, don't kill me yet! There's a twist! Anyway, thanks for reading. Review! Please! 


	7. Insanity

Nooooo I actually have to do the math? ? D: uh…lets see…Light has $1000 now…and so he has to stay up for 10 more hours…and L fell asleep at about 8 pm…so…okay, I know the time now ^ ^; . D: but no more just making up random times! D:

Also, yay for the super-fast update! It's only been…what…an hour or so? :D yay!

I'm trying to make this last chapter as epic as possible…tell me if I failed or succeeded.

[EDIT/REVISED: This chapter was revised on 4-09-2011]

_AUGUST 1__ST__, 4:06 AM:_

_I'm…so…close…to getting enough money for a light saber…just…200 more dollars… _Light thought miserably, _I've never been more miserable in my entire life…why did I even _try _this challenge?_ _Oh, right…to kill Misa…so therefore it's Matsuda's fault! Wait…why is it Matsuda's fault? I thought I just thought it was Misa's fault…wait…no no no, it makes sense. Matsuda is Misa's mother, so it's his fault for giving birth to her. Wait a second, did I just say that Matsuda gave birth to Misa? What the hell? _

Light looked up at the task force. "Light-kun is talking to himself again," said L. He had woken up about 10 minutes after falling asleep (because of Soichiro Yagami's joyful, victorious singing as he danced around Kira Headquarters, flaunting his newly-won cash), and when he did, he had started cursing his head off in a way that impressed even Aizawa. Though still exhausted, he decided that he had to see for himself how much money Light was going to be winning off of him. Not that he had any lack of it.

Light decided he had no choice. He had to use an energy drink. He informed the task force, "I'll be right back, I'm going to get an energy drink."

L stopped him and said, "I'll get it for you, Light-kun. Stay here." Light, too tired to wonder about L's kindness, agreed.

L sleepily walked into the kitchen and took out a huge cup. He dropped in two ice cubes, 6 sugar cubes, 9 drops of a super rare and ultra spicy hot sauce, raw egg yoke, a crushed stick of mechanical pencil graphite, two crushed spinach leaves, a half a cup of rotten milk, two cups of the energy drink stuff, a few tablespoons of flour, a bit of baking soda, a drop or two of alcohol, and soda water. He stirred it with a spoon.

He walked out of the room and presented the drink to Light. "That took a while…" Light mumbled.

L grinned, too tired to conceal it. It was a good thing Light was too loopy to notice. Light took a sip of the concoction. And screamed.

"AAHHHHHH OMG WTF DID YOU DO TO ME? !" he started shouting. Everyone stared at Light in shock before shifting their gazes suspiciously to Ryuzaki.

"I did nothing," L said in a monotone voice.

"SO HOT! SO SOUR! SO SWEET! SO GRAVELY! WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THIS, _DIRT_? ! AHH! SO BUBBLY! SO GROSS! SO REVOLTING! MATSUDA! GET OVER HERE!"

"W-what did I do…?" Matsuda asked nervously, terrified.

"YOU RUINED MY DRINK!" Light accused.

Matsuda started sobbing tears of exasperation. "I've been innocent of EVERY SINGLE THING YOU HAVE ACCUSED ME OF!" he sobbed. "It's not me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me…" he whimpered over and over again, curling up into a ball and rocking back and forth on the ground.

L started laughing. This was quite amusing.

"STUPID MATSUDA!" Light shouted insanely. He hopped onto Mogi's back and shouted, "GO! CHARGE AT MATSUDA! AS FAST AS YOU CAN, LITTLE PONY!"

"I'm not a horse—" Mogi started to protest, but Light kicked him in the sides to get him to move, so Mogi charged at Matsuda, not wanting to get kicked again.

"WTF LIGHT!" Soichiro shouted, humiliated at what his son was doing.

Matsuda snapped out of his trance just in time to jump up and get out of Mogi's way. As Mogi ran by the desk, Light pulled the handcuffs out of the drawer. He snapped the handcuffs on to attach him and Mogi together.

(LOL right now I'm being told by my friend who is reading this that I have lost my mind XD he's probably right :D)

"I'm sorry Matsuda," Mogi said, "but if I don't do what Light says, he kicks me really hard."

"AHHHH!" Matsuda shouted.

Light exclaimed, "CHARGE! ! ! ! ! ATTACK! ! ! ! ! !"

Matsuda ran at L, who was standing in one place, laughing his head off. Matsuda jumped onto L's back and said, "run away from them!"

L, having little tolerance for this, flipped Matsuda over his shoulder and said, "You're f-ing insane! Don't jump on me!"

Light started snarling like a dog and barked at Aizawa. Aizawa exclaimed, "don't bark at me! _NO ONE _barks at _ME!_"

Aizawa declared, "THIS IS WAR! ! ! ! ! !"

Light screamed, "FOR NARNIA! ! ! ! !"

L shouted, "FOR SUGAR! ! ! ! !"

"GET MATSUDA!" Light commanded.

L decided that Light had a good idea, and charged at Matsuda with newfound energy.

"I don't quite get what's happening, but I think it would be fun to go after Matsuda," Soichiro decided. He also charged at Matsuda.

Aizawa, not wanting to be left out, did the same.

Matsuda shrieked and cowered. Everyone barreled into him.

Matsuda passed out.

They continued to bash him with punches, kicks, karate chops, and…and…

"Whoa…Watari?" L asked questioningly.

"Everyone in this place has gone mad! ! ! !" Watari exclaimed.

Watari dragged Light, L, and the other police officers off Matsuda.

"EVERYONE! HE STOPPED US FROM BEATING UP MATSUDA! GET WATARI!" Light shouted.

"No!" L shouted in horror, as everyone charged at Watari.

All of a sudden, Watari knocked Aizawa off his feet, threw Light to the floor, sent Mogi flying backwards into the wall, and started wrestling with Soichiro.

Everyone stopped fighting and stared at Watari.

"Now…everyone just calm down," Watari said, and then quickly left the room.

Everyone stared at him as he left.

Light, totally deadened by the event, fell asleep on the floor.

"Well," L said decisively, "I owe Light-kun $800. I am going to sleep now. If anyone dares wake me up, I'll kill you."

_AUGUST 1__ST__, 12:46 PM:_

L woke up in his chair and looked around for Light. He was curious about something. He saw Light's location on the monitors and went into the room.

He poked Light's head, who was asleep on the bed. "Light-kun?"

Light groaned. "What is it Ryuzaki?" he asked, rolling over.

"Why did Light-kun want that money?"

Light sat up. "I wanted to buy a light saber…"

"A…light saber?" L questioned curiously.

"Ugh…yeah. The government made a real one. It costs $2000. I was only 200 dollars away from $2000 when I fell asleep…" Light explained.

"You can buy it online?" L asked.

"Yeah."

"What website?"

"Ebay, where else?"

"You know…Light-kun could have just _asked _me to buy him a light saber…I think light sabers are cool, so I definitely would have bought it for him," L said, his wide eyes staring at Light.

"W-w-what…?" Light asked, exasperated.

"I said that I would have bought Light-kun that light saber had he asked, because I find light sabers cool," L re-said.

"So I didn't have to do the…" Light trailed off, not finishing his sentence.

"Indeed not."

"Then…would you buy…?" Light asked, knowing that L would get the gist of what he was saying even if he didn't finish his sentence.

"No, not after the hell you just put me through," L said in monotone.

Light screamed.

Light was just PWNED by L! :D Well, what did you think? Please review! :D

Okay, who liked the ending? Who hated it? Who wants to beat me with a toaster? Tell me!

Lol, I have no idea how I came up with that scene where everyone is attacking each other. And I somehow decided that Watari knows some epic martial arts moves. 

Thank you SO much to everyone who has reviewed this story, read it, or even skimmed it! Now…to work on my L What If Parody…lol. And then there's that story that I haven't updated in like a year or two…whoops...

Well thanks again, and I hope you enjoyed!

P.S: Does anyone have an idea for a plot for a story similar to this one?

~Ratt Kazamata


	8. Payback

Well, I know this fic was complete, but my friend Nix gave me an excellent idea for it today. Therefore, I've decided to make this one last adjustment.

**Epilogue**

One week had passed since Light had won the contest.

Matsuda had requested a two-weeks vacation time to deal with his possible Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and was currently taking time off.

Soichiro was enjoying the large sum of money he had won from the bet.

Misa still had no idea why Light had been attempting to cut off Matsui's toe with the butcher knife, and she had decided that asking Light the same question over and over would somehow reward her with an explanation. This method did not succeed in its mission, but Light certainly got a headache from it.

Aizawa and Mogi had gone about their regular business.

And that's when it happened. At first, it had seemed like just a simple mail delivery…

Light glared at L, wishing intensely that looks really could kill.

L pretended to be totally oblivious to the very negative "I-Hate-You-I-Want-You-To-Die-Very-Slowly-And-Painfully-While-I-Just-Stand-There-Watching-And-Laughing-In-Your-Face" vibe that Light was sending him. He acted as if he didn't notice that Light had adjusted his computer chair's seat to be only 1 foot above the ground in a sad attempt to make the detective feel small. L just shrugged it off when Light had "accidentally-on-purpose" used a metal baseball bat to make a piñata out of the wall clock that Matsuda had set. He even pretended not to notice that Light had torn out clumps of his own hair in frustration. For after all, L had much more important things on his mind.

Important things, such as, keeping Kira Germs off of the brand-new Light Saber that he had purchased from Ebay upon learning that they were available.

Wow, that was so poorly written o.O But I couldn't resist putting it in.

I'm thinking about writing another Contest Crack Fic like this, but I need some ideas. I'd prefer the contest to be time-based, like this one (ex: "How long can –this- go on", etc). Any suggestions? 

Okay, _now _this fic is totally done. –w- Hope you enjoyed, and don't forget to review! :D

~Ratt K.


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